March 13, 2010 at 01:00 | Posted in Everything | 2 Comments



When you see it …

February 25, 2010 at 01:00 | Posted in Everything | 2 Comments




November 26, 2009 at 18:00 | Posted in Everything | 15 Comments


GUESS WHO! (~o.-)~

July 26, 2008 at 15:00 | Posted in Everything | 5 Comments
Tags: ,

YES! it’s me, Administron again. Looks like AKH didn’t get back in time … that or the holiday laziness bug got to him. Don’t worry, I’ve got something to put in this post, AKH quotes! ๐Ÿ˜€ the kind of which you’ve never seen before. ๐Ÿ˜‰

“When I get back, my Moshi Monster is going to fucking kill me.”

“if you put something small in a baby’s mouth, it automaticaly starts to suck – one of 3 things you shouldn’t tell Nekru or his little dumbass buddies. The other 2 are ‘I’ve merely been using you all this time’ and ‘your problem is not that people don’t want or know how to comment, but that there is no one here to comment, because you see everything you make is total shit.'”

“The day I saw NakedPaulToast get owned by Zezuken was the day I realised that everyone, even a non-blog-updating-argumentaholic can be beaten by their inferior. And you know what? it made me scared.”

AKH will be taking over from me tomorrow ๐Ÿ˜‰ in fact he’ll probably be posting some comments later today ๐Ÿ˜€ Until then, you’re stuck with me, an all-powerful yet all-unknowing robot restricted to the task of administrating this blog.

Tomorrow’s Post: The Return of AKH

July 25, 2008 at 10:00 | Posted in Everything | 1 Comment
Tags: ,

Administron here again, posting on the AKHLog for the final time. AKH will be back tomorrow for me to pass the blog-writing baton back, and you won’t see me again for another Year or so. Probably. Now, it’s down to business …

Today’s Post is a real treat for you, this ultimate link marathon is the biggest yet! ๐Ÿ˜€ And what site are we showcasing? the brilliant yet overlooked!

When AKH first blogrolled this link back in November 2007, he posted just 2 videos from it. Since then, the site has grown, it has a new look, and internet-tonnes more content for you to enjoy! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Kontraband doesn’t *just* do videos, it’s never *just* done videos, there are jokes (text form) pics (which often take a sexual turn instead of a funny turn, but hey, I’m not complaining, I’m a robot with a sex: drive after all), Games, if humour isn’t your thing, and a place to chillout – the forums.

Now, you know the drill with these link marathons, they’re funny in a not-safe-for-kid’s-eyes kind of way. We’ll begin with the first 2 videos AKH found and posted, then it’s on to the new stuff. As AKH would say, “Enjoy! ๐Ÿ˜€ “

With that Final link, I bid you a fond farewell for a few fffff … months. Or whatever. AKH should be back to see what’s happened tomorrow, and boy will he have a lot to catch up on … ๐Ÿ˜‰

Tomorrow’s Post: ???????


July 24, 2008 at 10:00 | Posted in Everything | Leave a comment
Tags: ,

“Fkn0wned is mainly a site for gamer nerds who waste their lives playing Counterstrike or whatever, I don’t go there for that, I go there for the Off-Topic section – Links/Humor, Debating, Random Tuts, the Tutorials Section in the Red Light District, oh and of course the porn, because I’m obsessed with porn.”


You’re gonna need to sign up to fkn0wned if you REALLY want to see what’s going on, since in most forums all the good stuff is surrounded by a [hide] tag and you have to reply to see what’s going on, although you can get around most of the Links/Humor section without a membership. ๐Ÿ˜‰

And now, without further ado, I present fkn0wned’s best forums, in the opinion of AKH …


Being put up there first because of a lack of hidden content, you’ve probably seen a lot of the stuff that gets posted there before, but you’ll probably find a gem of funniness or two if you look hard enough.


Not really the second best forum, I’m just going in alphabetical order now. You’ll find debates about all sorts of matters here, so it’s worth taking a look at every now and again. One topic that caught my eye is called “Britain’s Justice System…Fucked?!” And the obvious answer is yes. ๐Ÿ˜‰ There’s no need for [hide] tags here.

Random Tuts

Now, on to one of the many places where you will encounter [hide] tags, the Random Tuts forum. And like it’s description, it is random. You can find tutorials on nearly ANYTHING here … I’ve even seen bomb-making ones before :\ so it’s worth a look every now and again … But now we’ll go on to something you should REALLY be checking if you want tutorials …

Red Light District > Tutorials

You have to sign up and vote for fkn if you want to get in there, so I’ve just linked to the Red Light District section. Last time I checked this place, the tutorials didn’t seem to be of a much higher standard than those in Random Tuts, but there were pages more, so it’s worth a look. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Tomorrow’s Post:


July 23, 2008 at 10:00 | Posted in Everything | 1 Comment
Tags: ,

“ECTOPLASMOSIS, the blog with writers possessing word powers far superior to my own, so superior in fact, I don’t understand what they’re writing a lot of the time.”


To quote them …


“Technically, the viscious progeny of medium ectoplasm and the mind-controlling brain parasite toxoplasmosis, aborted from the belly of an octobee, but we just call it an ectomo, a wonder closet of fringe art, culture and ephemera.”

… And that’s just the tagline. ^__^, better known as ECTOPLASMOSIS, is written by the Co-Editors John Brownlee and Eliza Gauger, but also their New Scum, Qais Fulton and Ross Rosenberg, who seem to write most of the posts. Most days at the blog have a theme – Moustache Monday, Cthulu Thursday and Saturday Morning Cartoons to name 3. Posts also take other forms such as Your Daily WTF and The Midnight LOL Society, although a lot of posts don’t fit into these categories and the blog can often be unpredictable ๐Ÿ˜‰ which is great. They rarely go a day without two or more posts and AKH *recommends* you read this blog every day like he does.

Now I’ll finish this post with a link to a recent ECTOPLASMOSIS post showcasing the latest of Kool-Aid Man’s Criminal acts … if you look closely at the second picture, you can see that the poster says “WANTED FOR: VANDALISM, DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY, AND PEDOPHILIA”. ๐Ÿ˜€

“OH YEAH!” Posted by Ross Rosenberg

They also have ectomo chat … to see one of the best conversations to take place there, and to check it out for yourself, read this post. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Tomorrow’s Post:

you’re the man now dog!

July 22, 2008 at 10:00 | Posted in Everything | Leave a comment
Tags: , , ,

Yes, Administron here again, standing in for AKH while he’s away. My post today explores the AKHLog Blogroll link to, a site started in 2001 that now hosts thousands of user-made mini-sites called YTMNDs. They contain a background image (which can be, and usually is, animated) and a (looping) music track. That’s it. The site has gained popularity over the years because of it’s simplicity but also because of it’s many, many fads. ๐Ÿ˜‰

You know the drill, this post, like yesterday’s post, is gonna be a link marathon. Enjoy! ๐Ÿ˜€ Just don’t enjoy this post at work. it’s not safe for work. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Warning: Administron’s post today is DEFINITELY UNSAFE for the eyes of children. ^__^ Ears too. So don’t click the links, kids. ๐Ÿ˜‰ you have been warned.

Now, first, the best of YTMND’s fads …

YTMND’s Fad Wiki (not what you think)

And second, some lesser-known YTMNDs worthy of a mention on this blog:

Tomorrow’s Post: ECTOPLASMOSIS!


July 21, 2008 at 10:00 | Posted in Everything | 1 Comment
Tags: ,



From the people who brought you ICHC comes the FAIL Blog, started long after ICHC became well-known and had it’s unique style, the FAIL Blog is designed in a similar way and is becoming just as successful. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Unlike ICHC, the FAIL Blog often features videos as well as pictures, one of AKH’s favourites being at ^__^

Also unlike ICHC, the FAIL Blog is devoid of lolspeak, instead, to make themselves appear unintelligient, the commenters flock to shouting “PHOTOSHOP!” at everything, disputing whether something is or isn’t actually a fail if it contains *something* that wins (anything), and celebrating being the first poster (by posting “FIRST!” ๐Ÿ˜€ or something similar [this usually causes people to rain down insults on you, then rain down insults on each other for what would appear to be any reason they can find ๐Ÿ˜‰ they’re like that]).

Whether you go there for the fails or the comments, these fails are well worth a look …

Tomorrow’s Post: quotes you haven’t seen before

July 20, 2008 at 10:00 | Posted in Everything | 2 Comments
Tags: ,

Hopefully. :\

Warning: Adminstron’s post today contains bad language! ๐Ÿ˜€

in this second of scheduled stand-in posts by me, Administron, we’ll explore the wonders of another blogroll link – today is the turn of

And no, I’m not quoting the top 100 … Here is a random selection of quotes (although I have picked each quote here individually) …


<g-core> Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long 1, Michael J. Fox has a little one, Madonna doesn’t have one and the Pope has one but doesn’t use it.ย  What is it.
<pip> last name
<pip> no wait
<pip> penis

<Torke> haha, tgp couldn’t score with a chick if she came right up to him and asked to suck his dick
<Torke> because
<Torke> that happened
<Torke> and he didn’t score

<kasp> I got a shirt that had integral signs all over it,
and read: “Math is an integral part of life.”ย  I got another shirt
that has a small symbol of pi on the front, and 1000 digits of pi
(followed by “…”) on the back
<glasnost> wow kasp
<brouwer> i’ve never met you, but i want to beat you up

<Jay 2 da K> no ill probably just get it for christmas
<cyberkk21> hah you jesus boy
<Jay 2 da K> what are you getting for ramadan, besides hungry

<godgrrl43> killing babies before they’re born is murder!
<azlo335> I think abortions should be allowed up until two years after the baby is born
<greggk> the splatter pattern on the wall is more satisfying after they’re out anyway
** godgrrl143 has left the room

<JonTG> Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it’d go all the way from A to Z
<JonTG> wait, shit

<Andrigaar> there’s a good rumor to start up again. “Jacking off till it blisters will form calluses and make if bigger in a few months.”

<ckx> i’ve got nothing against homos
<ckx> as long as they don’t fuck me or touch me
<ckx> they’re alright
<gb> what if they cum on you
<ckx> that’s a grey area

<born1986> why the fuck isn’t my disc drive working
<born1986> i fucking worked on that essay for three friggin’ hours in school
<born1986> i now i cant finish it ‘cos my fuckin drive ain’t working
<Z00ass> you got the right drivers?
<born1986> hell yes
<born1986> it was working fine yesterday
<born1986> why does this shit always happen to me?
<Z00ass> maybe that little clip on the side is i nthe wrong position
<born1986> i havent touched it since school
<born1986> i’m growing impatient
<born1986> ANGRY even
<Z00ass> throw that shit out tha window

. . .

<born1986> OMG i fuckin did it!!!
<born1986> FUCK!!!!!
<Z00ass> it works?
<born1986> no, i threw it out the window
<Z00ass> the disk?
<born1986> NO the whole drive
<born1986> i live on the 6th floor, made a nice *smash*
<Z00ass> ๐Ÿ˜€
<born1986> FUCK SHIT FUCK
<born1986> brb

. . .

<born1986> shit
<Z00ass> what? did ya break it?
<born1986> well i couldn’t open the drive
<born1986> so i had to pound it against a rock
<Z00ass> ๐Ÿ˜ฎ
<born1986> quite HARD
<born1986> and you know what?
<born1986> that fucking disk wasnt even there
<Z00ass> ???
<born1986> i got so mad i threw the remaiders of the drive on to the freeway
<born1986> and when i got back upstairs i foud the disk inside my bag
<Z00ass> lol
<born1986> i’m actually cryin right now

. . .

<born1986> wonder if i could make that drive work again
<born1986> brb

CAT g ON k: being given racial shit from a guy named “juan”?
CAT g ON k: lol
ATRFenix: yes
ATRFenix: i made a big speech on how nigger is different from nigga, black on black usage vs white on white usage etc etc
ATRFenix: since they were lambasting me on how i called them fag
ATRFenix: they juan says something like, ‘Ok, gook.’
ATRFenix: then i told him to go make me some footballs and it went downhill from there.

<Cornell> damn I wish I could have gone to my friends summer camp.. 9 guys my age, 18 girls, and another 18 or so a year younger
<Cornell> *18 or so girls
<Beoulve> Dude.
<Beoulve> You’d still be a virgin in the end.
<Cornell> most likely.
<Cornell> but still, you knever know, and think of all the possibilities…
<Tarl> Yeah..
<Beoulve> It’s possible that you’d die.
<Beoulve> Horribly.
<Tarl> “Hey <Insert cornellmun’s name here>! Could you go to the convienience store and pick up some more condoms for us? Thanks!”

<@keoki> If he is, however, constantly harassing you, then report it to an IRCop.
<Rogue> Report it to chanserv
<@ChanServ> Report it to me? Bleh, I am just here to aid with channel help, and op you silly mortals.
<Rogue> ChanServ doesn’t normally talk back to me, he is like the god on IRC, i believe!
<@ChanServ> And I said, let there be services! and it was so.

<ColonelCoroner> Nah, this one’s good.ย  Alright, so it was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died.ย  The Angel at the gate said to the man, “Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.”
<ColonelCoroner> “No problem,” the man said. “I came home to my 10th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. I knew she was fucking some bitch, I glanced out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!ย  Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This pissed me off even more. I wanted to kill the fucker! So I unplugged my refrigerator, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 10 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.”
<ColonelCoroner> The Angel considers this, and let’s him in cuz it WAS a bad day….The next dude comes up, and is asked the same question.ย  So the dude replies, “But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 11th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I was really pushing hard, and I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. I fell and fucking hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn’t die right away. As I’m laying there face up on the ground in shock and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 10 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.”
<Piro-nuts> rofl…
<ColonelCoroner> So the Angel chuckles, thinks his job is pretty cool, and let’s this dude in…the third dude comes up, and again the Angel asks him the same question about how he died.ย  So the dude goes, ‘Okay, picture this, I’m hiding in this refrigerator right…”

<Farnarcle> I think the last place I would like to be beamed is ‘Up scotty’.

<arabella> when i was about 20, old enough not to be, i got sent away from the table to my room for saying, “So today in lab we put dog testes in the blender and then,” and that’s as far as i got.

<fox> i just banged my boob and lost my dog ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
<itchy> better than losing your boob and banging your dog

<verin> and on the fourth day, there was pr0n, and God said, “let this be a blessing onto you, since Eve is out shopping”

<bell-chan> i got the little mermaid on dvd
<bell-chan> dude, if you pause it just right when she just gets her legs
<bell-chan> BOOM
<bell-chan> you see nothing
<bell-chan> the only sad thing about that is i tried

<Ben174> : If they only realized 90% of the overtime they pay me is only cause i like staying here playing with Kazaa when the bandwidth picks up after hours.
<ChrisLMB> : If any of my employees did that they’d be fired instantly.
<Ben174> : Where u work?
<ChrisLMB> : I’m the CTO at
*** Ben174 ( Quit (Leaving)

(idestroy) sigh
(idestroy) ok so
(idestroy) my friend got a handle of smirnoff vodka
(idestroy) we killed it together in like an hour
(idestroy) I went to bed
(idestroy) in boxers
(idestroy) apparently
(idestroy) I woke up and had to poo
(idestroy) instead of going to my bathroom
(idestroy) I went out into the hallway
(idestroy) into the stairwell
(idestroy) removed my boxers and placed them on the stairs
(idestroy) then took a massive liquidy shit at the top of the steps
(idestroy) walked THROUGH it
(idestroy) leaving poopy footprints
(idestroy) left my boxers there
(idestroy) went DOWN TO THE 2nd FLOOR
(idestroy) from the third
(idestroy) banged on random people’s doors
(idestroy) people came out and saw me walking down the hall naked with shit on my ass
(idestroy) I made it to the stairs again
(idestroy) went back to my floor but down a few doors to my friends
(idestroy) there was like 15 people in their room
(idestroy) it was packed
(idestroy) I was naked
(idestroy) I went into their bathroom
(idestroy) and everyone was like what the fuck
(idestroy) went into the toilet stall, tried to clean my ass
(idestroy) meanwhile someone went back to my room and got my clothes
(idestroy) and someone else found the poo
(idestroy) they brought my clothes over
(idestroy) I tried to put my shirt on my legs
(idestroy) and said THESE ARENT MY PANTS
(idestroy) so I got help with that
(idestroy) got walked back to my room
(idestroy) and went back to sleep
(idestroy) woke up the next day
(idestroy) thought it was a dream
(idestroy) called my friend paul
(idestroy) he told me all about it
(idestroy) ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
(ZS) note to self: never let idestroy have alcohol
(idestroy) there’s a facebook group “who pooped on the stairs”

<Seros_work`> ๐Ÿ˜ย  <— this is my interested face
<Ithaqua> 8=====Dย  <— This is my penis. Suck it.
<deVoca_work> life-size

<sean> I could jack off to a barbie doll and it’d be the equivilant to jerking off to the girls in playboy
<Ronwe> sean: you’ve jerked off to a barbie doll?
<iTM> wtf
<Ronwe> that’ just pathetic
<sean> yes, many MANY times
<Ronwe> I mean, I’ve done it to Charsi’s ass in D2.. but never to a barbie doll
<Ronwe> and it was only once… too lazy to go find some decent porn to smack to
<Astro> lol
<iTM> Charsi’s ass?
<Ronwe> yeah… it’s tight and firm
<Ronwe> I’m not going to explain any more
<Ronwe> I’m already afraid of this making it to bash

I don’t understand the math in this one, but it’s funny ๐Ÿ˜€ …

Impure Mathematics
—— ———–
To prove once and for all that math can be fun, we
present: Wherein it is related how that paragon of womanly
virtue, young Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that
notorious villain Curly Pi, and factored (oh horror!!!)
Once upon a time (1/t) pretty little Polly Nomial was
strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary
of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her
mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never
enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however,
who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling
particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis
that it was insufficient and made her way in amongst the complex
elements. Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides.
Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor.
Quite suddendly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a
single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of
directrix, and went completely divergent. As she tripped over a
square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged
headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more,
she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean
She was being watched, however. That smooth operator,
Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her
curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face.
He wondered, “Was she still convergent?” He decided to
integrate properly at once.
Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and
saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated.
She could see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative
that he was bent on no good.
“Arcsinh,” she gasped.
“Ho, ho,” he said, “What a symmetric little asymptote
you have I can see you angles have lots of secs.”
“Oh sir,” she protested, “keep away from me I haven’t
got my brackets on.”
“Calm yourself, my dear,” said our suave operator, “your
fears are purely imaginary.”
“I, I,” she thought, “perhaps he’s not normal but
“What order are you?” the brute demanded.
“Seventeen,” replied Polly.
Curly leered “I suppose you’ve never been operated on.”
“Of course not,” Polly replied quite properly, “I’m
absolutely convergent.”
“Come, come,” said Curly, “let’s off to a decimal place
I know and I’ll take you to the limit.”
“Never,” gasped Polly.
“Abscissa,” he swore, using the vilest oath he knew.
His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a
log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities.
He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her
points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was
now her only hope. She felt his digits tending to her asymptotic
limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator.
Curly’s radius squared itself; Polly’s loci quivered. He
integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After
he cofactored, he performed runge – kutta on her. The complex
beast even went all the way around and did a contour
integration. What an indignity – to be multiply connected on
her first integration. Curly went on operating until he
completely satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated and
became completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that
she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated
in several places But it was to late to differentiate now. As
the months went by, Polly’s denominator increased monotonically.
Finally she went to L’Hopital and generated a small but
pathological function which left surds all over the place and
drove Polly to deviation.
The moral of our sad story is this: “If you want to
keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single
degree of freedom.”

TrivBaby: QUESTION:ย  1992 – what did the church of england allow women to become?
catman1229: men
destinatas: priests
destinatas: clergy
ZaDaRoN: members
LmRiVaRaT: sluts
QuarkSoupXYZ: pregnanat
LmRiVaRaT: bitches
destinatas: queens
LmRiVaRaT: hoes
ZaDaRoN: divorced
LmRiVaRaT: whores
dbcpool: voters

(Scorpion): hi
(Scorpion): do you spek englรฝsh
(Scorpion): do you spek turkish
(Scorpion): admรฝn
(Scorpion): #zurna canal for sale ?
(Zaphod): You want to buy the channel #zurna?
(Scorpion): okey
(Scorpion): #zurna canal for sale ?
(Scorpion): what good is
(Zaphod): Sorry, i dont quite understand you
(Zaphod): You want to pay money for the channel?
(Scorpion): what good is
(Zaphod): what good is ?
(Zaphod): that doesnt make any sense
(Scorpion): how much
(Zaphod): How much will you pay, what is fair you think ?
(Scorpion): do you speek turkihs
(Zaphod): no
(Scorpion): hรฝms
(Scorpion): sop to add
(Scorpion): alo
(Zaphod): Hi
(Zaphod): how much will you pay?
(Scorpion): 10$
(Zaphod): make it $30 and you have a deal
(Scorpion): 10$
(Zaphod): No deal
(Scorpion): 15$
(Scorpion): ?
(Zaphod): $30 is the price
(Zaphod): that is a good channel
(Scorpion): 20$ ?
(Zaphod): ok, ok, its your lucky day, im feeling in a good

mood and i just got a new shipment of channels in, ยฃ20 is fine
(Scorpion): end money
(Zaphod): How will you pay
(Scorpion): give me check number
(Zaphod): lol
(Zaphod): im joking with you
(Zaphod): Channels are not for sale
[(Scorpion): ?
(Scorpion): ยฃ20
(Scorpion): okey
(Zaphod): No sale
[(Zaphod): Not selling
[(Scorpion): why ?
[(Zaphod): Channels are not for sale
(Scorpion): oky.
(Scorpion): insistenly canal
(Scorpion): ?
(Scorpion): insistently canal to want?
(Scorpion): pls
(Scorpion): alo
(Scorpion): to speak
(Scorpion): plssss. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

<Orthodox> deutschland 11e hier is 18, haltet mich gefaelligst davon ab glei zu verschwinden und die chinesische wodkaflasche zu exen
!kick!: <Orthodox> was kicked by <Pidda> [I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.]

[n] Join [sam]-[] has joined #0secadmin
<m0zzie> uhh sam, who are you and who gave you the key?
<sam> i am sam and i didnt need a key ๐Ÿ™‚
<m0zzie> hmm.. this is a private channel, please fuck off. ๐Ÿ™‚
[n] Mode [m0zzie]-[+b *!*]
<lynx> m0z, meet sam, the server admin :/
<m0zzie> oh fuck.
[n] Mode [m0zzie]-[-b *!*]
<m0zzie> me love you long time? :>

<Tall Israeli> I think just about anyone who meets me and talks to me for long enough comes to terms with the fact that I am a very sick, twisted person. Also factor in a few mountain dews, a Peer-to-Peer connection, and boredom and you get what might be the funniest combination imaginable.
I had been downloading music yesterday evening. Led Zeppelin, REO Speedwagon, Flock of Seagulls, things like that. Then I realized that it’d be a funny joke to play on people if I were to change “Keep on Rolling” to “Hot Lesbian Sex”. I watched as within minutes this file got 50 downloads. I was astounded.
Then the Tom got an idea.
An awful idea.
The Tom got a wonderful awful idea.
What if, perhaps, I was to change some of these names to sick pornography titles? I wonder if I’d get any bites?
And this is where the fun begins.
The first title I put up was “Naked boys dancing and eating cake.” I sat in anticipation, waiting for my first download. Success, the first download came. Then the second. Then the third. This baby was steamrolling down the information super highway like a trucker with a hardon that has 2 miles left to the next truck stop. Before I knew it, I was getting twenty downloads. Then thirty. Then fifty. Can you imagine that in the end, rather than getting dancing boys naked and indulging themselves with sweets and frolicking in a dewy meadow, one-hundred thirty two people got a disappointing video of Led Zeppelin performing “Dazed and Confused” in front of a live audience? At this point, I had no choice but to continue.
The second title I put up was “My Ex-Girlfriend mowing the lawn naked.” I thought that this was too far out to get any downloads. Alas, I was wrong. It got a download. Then two. Then thirty. In the end, seventy-eight sweaty, drooling fudges wanted to see my ex girlfriend mow the lawn stark naked. She’s not even that hot. Rather then get their lawn-mowing beauty, they got the song “Ozone baby.”
For the third title, I decided to transform “White Wedding” into the more intriguing “Elephant cock horse.” I wish I could say I was kidding when this thing was downloaded one hundred eighty seven times. I guess there is something about horses and elephants showing their cocks that bring out the best in people. I nearly died of laughter at this point. “How can nearly two hundred people want to see naked animals? They’re ALWAYS naked!” For sanctity’s sake, we’re going to leave this as a mystery. I hope I turned some people on to Billy Idol, hopefully distracting them long enough to forget that masturbating to horse and elephant genitalia are not really something their mothers would be proud of.
I couldn’t stop myself from doing another. “Grandma Bingo Sex.” Short and sweet. I couldn’t stop myself from amusing………myself….. “Grandma Bingo Sex.” Surely not a common scenario, and surely not a scenario that would arouse many a twisted psyche. Apparently I know nothing about the human psyche. One hundred twenty two. ONE HUNDRED TWENTY TWO PEOPLE would like to see grandma getting bent over the bingo table, game card in hand, getting donkey punched by a 90 year old addle brained porn star. I rubbed my eyes just to double check. My eyes had to be lying to my brain. My penis had shriveled to the size of a 2 day old Wendys chicken nugget.
They asked for Grandma.
They got Joan Jett.
At this point I had to start taking puffs of my albuteral inhaler to keep from suffocating myself with laughter. “Girl on girl toe insertion (LEGAL)” was my next proud creation. Everyone likes 38 Special, so everyone won’t feel like such dumb-asses after downloading this footy piece of crap. Never underestimate the inertia traveling behind a toe inserting itself into a rectum, friends. It’s like a fudging semi hurling down Interstate 40 in the noonday sun. One hundred twelve people wanted to jerk to this. God have mercy on us.
At this point, for some odd reason, the user name “Enraged Baboon” popped into my head. “Enraged Baboon fudging a nipple factory.” No way in hell would this get many downloads. Who could possibly type in any or all of those keywords? I guess people like seeing sweaty red-ass baboons, nostrils flaring, banging their chests like Marky Mark in the movie “Fear”, having sex WITH each other in a factory that produces baby-bottle nipples. Imagine what those children would look like. One hundred seventy two people typed those magic words into Limewire, and got a hot steaming pile of monkey love. Well, it was Pink Floyd, but a man can dream, cant he?
This could all seem very disturbing. My final experiment, however, made me dizzy as my precious sack retreated into my pelvis. …THREE PEOPLE…three disgusting, drooling, perverted, fudged up people, wielding a box of Puffs Plus and a tube of Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion, bright eyed and bushy tailed, wanted to see “An emu taking a vicious dump.” How does one take a VICIOUS dump and how does an EMU take one, for that matter?
Ladies and gentlemen: this is why I have lost every last ounce of faith in humanity.
If I may quote Method:
“You’re going to make a lot of sick people very unhappy.”

<Charlesowns> Man i was surfin porn and like “normal” surfin at the same time, so my mom comes in and i quick as hellย  tab down the porn. So now im looking at a SWAT vest and an Mp5 submachinegun trying to hide the giant penis in my pants. Then all of a sudden this realy gay male voice speaks out realy loud goin “i want to suck your big dick ans swallow your hot sperm” then like 100 popups open up all consisting of hardcore fetish gayporn.
<Charlesowns> man my mom started crying and now she thinks im gay… it owns

<glasnost> dammit, all my penis keep getting lost
<glasnost> err
<glasnost> penis*
<glasnost> dammit!
<glasnost> i’ve freudian slipped and i can’t get up

<RvLeshrac> <Terrorists> Shit, maybe we shouldn’t take hostages from countries whose people are more insane than us.
<RvLeshrac> <China> You give back hostages, or we kill all muslim.
<NegaDuk> i think if they piss off china too much, they’ll find that china, the US, and britain will turn the middle east into a big walmart parking lot
<RvLeshrac> <China> We use nuke. What we care you nuke us? We have billion more people.
<NegaDuk> <China> nuke beijing. we tried sars. it no work
<RvLeshrac> <China> We stop birth restriction, we make billion more. Three day.
<NegaDuk> i think china’s just being antisocial so someone will thin their population
<RvLeshrac> Seriously.
<RvLeshrac> China’s answer to anything should be “We stop birth restrictions”
<RvLeshrac> <US> Stop flooding our markets with cheap goods, or we stop selling you soybeans. <China> We stop birth restriction! <US> Fuck. OK, OK! You can have the damned soybeans!
<RvLeshrac> I bet that was the real reason Clinton gave them our satellite codes.
<RvLeshrac> <China> You give us code, or we flood world with chinese!
<RvLeshrac> <China> All your shirt shrink up like penis in arctic.
<NightStar> damn those bad chinese laundry places
<RvLeshrac> <China> You never get decent haircut. You explain to women why no manicure.
<RvLeshrac> <China> We own you like Hong Kong.

<saboteur> sometimes i wish i didtn have a penis
<saboteur> like when i get a wood standing up
<Damien> lol sab
<saboteur> and its hard to hide
<phase5> same
<phase5> or like, when your walking down the street
<phase5> and it hangs out the bottom of your pants
<phase5> and drags on the ground
<saboteur> haha
<saboteur> yeah exactly
<k> or when you lie down and planes crash into it

<preda> hehe my penis slowly rolling off my desk and when it falls off its going to hit my cat
<preda> err pen is

<Robyn> then we realised that james had fucked with the bunsen burner
<Robyn> and set the lab on fire
<Robyn> penis ensued
<tempura> …penis?
<Robyn> panic
<Robyn> PANIC
<Robyn> shit

<Bobby20> I had this really weird dream once that I dropped my penis in the shower and I couldn’t get it to go back on

<bTm> I swear to God, if you ever say that to me again, I will remove each and every one of your limbs, including your tiny penis, with a rusty spoon, shove your bleeding stumps into buckets of rock salt, then force you to eat your way out of a hole filled with your own feces and body parts.
<Xeonspire> Er. All I said was, “Hi”.

Omniscient Sean: I think we should terrorist start throwing in nuclear weapon noteworthy national security keywords to Allah otherwise innocuous conversations.
InfiniteSuperior: I Bin Laden agree.
Omniscient Sean: So how are Al Qaeda classes?
InfiniteSuperior: I have Al Sadr a psychology report Iran due Wednesday.
Omniscient Sean: Ah, that Tehran sucks.
Omniscient Sean: This bizarre Sadaam open-source database utility has all the Palestine trappings of other open-source utilities.
Omniscient Sean: In this WMD case, useless error messages.
InfiniteSuperior: Other than Pakistan that, classes are Libby going well.

<EK> Quentin Tarinto on the use of CGI in movies “‘You know, my guys are all real. There’s no computer fucking around. I’m sick to death of all that shit. This is old school with fucking cameras. If i’d wanted all that computer game bullshit, I’d have gone home and stuck my dick in my Nintendo.”
<Nikaji> o_O
<Chaosmeika> nintendo has a penis port?
<EK> I wish.

For more awesome quotes, check out’s random section.

Tomorrow: the FAIL Blog. ๐Ÿ˜€

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