the AKHLog V4

Conure Master and I have decided to bring you a guide on how to raise a noob. If you ever consider buying a noob as a pet, you should take all of these tips into consideration. Before you begin, and before you buy a noob, remember that they are untamed beasts and need to be domesticated before entering your household. They may write chat speak on your walls with crayons or threaten to hack your computers if they are not tame. Buy a noob at your own risk! Here is the guide:

1. Before you go out and buy yourself a noob, think about it thoroughly. Are you sure you are ready for this? Are you fully prepared to raise and care for a noob ? Are you financially and physically prepared ? Are you expecting any drastic changes within the next few years, such as loss of Internet connectivity ? Do you truly have time to raise a noob? Are you prepared to encounter chat speak ? Are you willing to have what it takes to be a grammar Nazi ? Be honest. Maybe now is not the best time to raise a noob. If you are 100% sure that you are ready for this big commitment, then now is the time to start your search for the perfect noob. Your noob should match your lifestyle. An active noob will not suit you if you have a slow, dial-up internet connection. Research different breeds so that you know the characteristics and traits of different breeds, which makes it much easier to make your choice on which noob is right for you. Choose wisely. It make take long time for you to find your perfect match, but remember that a little work in the beginning can save tons of work in the end. Once you have found the perfect noob for you, you are ready to move to step 2.
2. When bringing home your new noob, the first thing you need to do is to earn his e-love and e-respect. Be gentle yet firm with your noob. Let him know what chat speak is acceptable and what hacking threat isn’t as soon as you get him. Don’t wait for those bad habits to develop, avoid them in the first place ! Let the noob know that you are the leader of him and the house, and that he must follow. You can do that by making sure that he lets the humans go first through doors, feeding you and your family first, and ensuring that he walks below you on walks. The basic rule is humans before noobs. It’s not being mean to your noob, it’s like showing him the way. Just like every team needs a leader & and every Zeon needs an AKH, your noob needs you !
3. Don’t forget one of the most important ingredients of raising a good noob, leadership ! Your noob looks to you for all his needs, food, water, shelter and everything else. Remember to provide to all them. However, if he starts to develop a pseudo gay love for you like a hybrid noob, or a Zeon, abandon it on the streets before the pseudo gay feelings become irreversible.
4. Before you bring your new noob home, prepare an enclosed chat box area that has easy access to the internet and powers that make it easy to clean in case of spam. This is a measure of safety so that you can make sure the noob knows you are dominant and it also tames the nub within the noob. Don’t choose a chat room that is isolated from online activity. However, a chat room that is overflowing with online activity isn’t an ideal place either. Choose a room that the online community visits often, but isn’t too crowded. Most people choose Xat. Make sure that all your valuable bookmarked chats are off limits to your noob. If you have bookmarked chats the noob may decide to get on and ruin your internet reputation forever. Also, noone wants their noob to be on the loose around chat rooms without having online restrictions. Make sure the browser can only access one chat room and no others. This is the chat room that your noob will stay in. If you think your noob will be tempted to destroy, or investigate a way to get to other chats or your bookmarks, close the browser until your noob has learned his lesson. Make sure that your noob knows its limitations on the internet at an early stage, or else it will try to wander off into the internet where it doesn’t belong. Also, by keeping your noob in one chat, you make it easier for you to keep an eye on your noob and to make sure he doesn’t do any damage to the internet. Not only that, but it also allows you to praise him for every little thing positive and can save you a ton of work in the online community training process.
5. By the time you get your noob you should have a basic idea of the noob’s web schedule. Noobs like having things like chatting and web browsing at the same time everyday, so allow your noob to go online at roughly the same time each day. The same goes for WoW’ing and other main events of your noob’s day. But don’t make your noob’s life robotic and boring ! Force your noob to learn modern English ! Make sure your noob wakes up each morning anticipating the fun and exciting things you have planned for him ! I bet you wouldn’t want to do the exact same thing everyday, and either would your noob !
6. To raise a good noob, you need to also raise a healthy one ! Go out and search for a game system for the noob that you are comfortable with. Remember that one day you might have to trust this game system with your noob’s life. Once you have selected your game system, make sure that your noob is up-to-date with the latest gaming trends. I strongly recommend that you order your noob a magazine like Nintendo Power. Over 4,000,000 (four million) noob owners buy their noobs a gaming magazine. No matter what the game system, all noobs deserve their own gaming magazine subscription ! Keep your noob fit and healthy by playing video games with him at least once per day. If you suspect that something is wrong with your noob’s gaming system, contact your game system’s supportline. After all, it’s much better to be safe than sorry !
7. Not every noob is meant to perform tricks in movies, but every noob should learn some basic obedience, like shit, play, and cum. You never know, it just might make your noob realize its insignificance ! Make sure your noob learns his manners. No one wants a noob jumping onto them when they first set foot inside a chat room or a forum ! Teach your noob to sit when visitors come in, or when entering someone else’s chat. You’ll be surprised just how much people appreciate it !
8. Remember that a socialized noob is a good noob ! As soon as your gaming system gives your noob all his thrills and excitement, it’s time to start the socialization process ! Socializing your noob means getting him used to the internet and his fellow forum members. Familiarize him with everyday objects, events and sounds. This process takes time and patience. Slowly get your noob used to different things, like the private messaging system and reporting posts. Sounds like the Banhammer’s Whistle can frighten your noob, so introduce them to your noob slowly and associate them with pleasant things, like death, defilement or destruction. Remember everything is new to your noob and it is your job to make sure your noob gets used to these objects, events and sounds as soon and smooth as possible.
9. If you discover your noob has a behavior problem, like aggression or pseudo gay feelings, try to find out what is bothering him and why. Noobs don’t speak English, so they express what they are feeling in different ways, such as chat speak. Try to understand what he’s trying to tell you. Does he snap at you when you ask why he loves a blog master ? Maybe he is in pain because he doesn’t understand his true feelings. Try checking up on a disease called Zeon Anxiety Attacks. Does he run away whenever you bring out the Banhammer ? To ease his fear associate it with pleasant things, like death or destruction. If you can’t seem to fix his problem, or can’t find our why he is acting out, contact a noob behaviorist such as AKH (who has dealt with many noobs and is a professional at fixing noobs) before it gets worse.
10. To raise a good noob it takes patience, commitment, perseverance, money, discipline, knowledge, but most of all, LOVE. That is the number one ingredient of raising a good noob ! There’s no doubt about it, you and your noob will run into some bandwith exceeded errors and mysql errors on your journey of noob ownership through the internet, but, just keep on loving your noob, and he will love you ! However, if you noob starts to love you in a pseudo gay way, please send him to either Enox or Conure to be fixed. In some rare cases your noob will turn into a Zeon; in that instance, Enox or Conure must kill the noob before it becomes a monster.

Thanks for reading!